Most. Pretentious. Movie. EVER.

For those of you who, in a chance meeting with a celebrity, would like to embarrass them by yelling out, “I loved you in INSERT SHITTY MOVIE!”, you now have some potent ammunition. With a bad cold and not being able to sleep at night, I caught ¾ of the movie, “Investigating Sex,” which is by far the most awful (but enjoyably so) and pretentious movie I’ve seen, like, ever.

And, even better, it features a buttload of well-known/respected actors:

Dermot Mulroney
Julie Delpy
Neve Campbell
Robin Tunney
Nick Nolte
Terrence Howard
Alan Cumming
Jeremy Davies

Investigating Sex takes place at the estate of the most philistine art collector ever, played by Nolte, right around the time of the 1929 stock market crash.

Mulroney is conducting a silly study exploring male sexuality, so he collects some friends to hash over sexual banalities while hot stenographers Campbell and Tunney take notes.

Mulroney also has a strange obsession with the Succubus, a mythical she-demon who visits him at night and totally prevents him from hooking it with the virginal Campbell.

Jeremy Davies stops by to film things and claim that he and his partners come simultaneously 75% of the time.

Alan Cumming mopes around and paints badly, which also involves using his body as the palette. He’s also not very good at concealing his homosexuality. (duh!)

Terrence Howard drops by to leer at the ladies, and if his dialogue only consisted of saying “How Deeeelightful” his character would make more sense.

The movie culminates with an orgy of sorts, as Cumming’s wife learns that vaginal intercourse is more fun than the sodomy she’s only ever known, while Nolte and wife Tuesday Weld paw at each other like old hands. And because earlier, the movie featured a dissolving glimpse of Mulroney’s White Shadow, we are treated to bare breasts, and nice ones too.

Despite the title, not much sex gets investigated. Apparently sex and love are different, sort of, and sometimes we are overtaken by passion. Also, sometimes, we prefer a she-demon to pleasure us at night than a Neve Campbell that totally wants to do us.

Other highlights:

Terrence Howard profusely apologizing to Campbell for masturbating profusely to her image. Of course, she has no idea what he's talking about, but we the audience do, unfortunately.

Nick Nolte talking in great detail about bestiality…but is it a joke? Only the close watcher of the move will know!

Smoldering glances by the thousands, nay, tens of thousands!

Julie Delpy speaking this memorable line: “You mean he put his cock in a donkey’s pussy?” Trust me, said with a French accent, it’s hot!